It was a busy Saturday afternoon and I was shopping with my two kids. I didn’t want to be there. They didn’t want to be there. Had we not desperately needed diapers and groceries, we would NOT have been there. So, such is my life.
My goal was to get in and get out as quickly as possible. My kids’ goal, on the other hand, was to drive me as crazy as possible. My daughter, who was barely a year old at the time, kept trying to lunge out of the cart. My son was howling and running circles around me as I attempted to navigate our way down the crowded aisles.
“Sit down. Come back over here. Put that down. No, no, stay in the cart. Stop running away from me. Say ‘sorry’ to that lady. SIT. DOWN.” I kept yelling, torn between letting my son wreak havoc or letting my daughter dive head first into the Target linoleum.
In the middle of this, a man approached us to inform me that my kids were being very loud. “Yes, I am aware of that”, I said wrestling my daughter back into the cart. I was about to make a joke about it when he added, ”You really need to learn how to control them.”
I looked him straight in the eye and said, “When I grow another set of arms and another pair of eyes, I will. Thank you for your concern.” I laughed in his face and continued shopping.
It took me four years and two kids to get up the nerve to say something like that to someone. In the past, I would have withered over such a ridiculous comment– the underlying impression being, “You suck as a mom!” I would have obsessed about it for days, feeling more humiliated, upset, and embarrassed.
Instead of wishing I had said something back, I actually did. Most importantly, I finally had enough confidence in my parenting, my abilities, and my limitations to admit that I’m not perfect, but I am doing the best that I can. Quite a milestone, if you ask me.
Over the years, I’ve learned a few other truths about unsolicited advice:
Consider the source. My mother-in-law will deny it, but she cannot help but give advice, solicited or otherwise. She’s even given me advice on not giving advice. Aside from being a total cliche, I know that she does it out of love. As a mom, I get that. My own mother is a pediatrician. My sister and brother-in-law are elementary teachers. My sister-in-laws are just plain opinionated. So yeah, I get a lot of advice! It’s usually helpful. I consider it. I appreciate it. Sometimes, I even use it. When a person who had absolutely no interest in me or my children’s well-being want to pipe in…. Well, they’re only satisfying themselves.
The best defense, offense. You can’t always walk away in a huff when someone’s giving you advice, but can always turn the conversation back on them. ”Is that what worked with your children?” If their answer is, “Oh no, I don’t have any children”, then you have all the information you need. If they tell you “yes”, just say “Sounds like they were quite a handful!” in your sweetest, most sympathetic voice and leave it at that.
Keep a sense of humor. “Thank you, but I’m going to change the subject now”
Admit defeat. “That child needs socks!” ”Why, yes. Yes. He does.” It’s hard to argue with someone who agrees with you. Am I right?
Who hasn’t been the victim of unsolicited parenting advice? How do you deal with it? Do you give parenting advice?
It is very frustrating to hear unsolicited advice, especially when Mom is already frustrated. The giver of the advice should expect a snappy comment back.
I have overheard one mom’s response to unsolicited advice, “oh, are you offering to help me? Because clearly, you think I need some help.” The giver of the advice stumbled over themselves to get away.
One time I simply said, “thank you for the information,” when someone gave me advice.
I have also seen some really really nasty responses, and then the children go a smack for calling attention to themselves. At that point I did step in and offer help if mom wanted it.
My point is, it’s hard to argue with someone who either agrees with you or offers help. We have all been there and sometimes it’s embarassing to accept help from a stranger, but it’s ok.
I’m a Grandma now, but the devil on one shoulder always wanted me to say something like, “and what makes you think this is any of your concern?” but the angel on the other shoulder always had me smile, thank them for any help they had offered and then remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible. I’ve matured some since and am really not sure how I would/will handle the situation now. I’d like to think I’m somewhere in the middle.
When my daughters ask for advice from me, I try to share the things that I found that worked but I also realize that mostly they need an ear, so I listen and try to be supportive.
Stacy, that’s awesome! Any advice I get from my mom or mother-in-law is actually appreciated. I have a lot of fun teasing my mom about it since she’s notorious for not following her own advice. After all, she really should know better
Thank you for you comment!
Last time was a couple of weeks ago when a librarian said about R crying on the floor, “very disruptive.” I was so fed up that I said to her, “judge yourself, lady.” Obviously she didn’t know or care that my husband was gone to Austin for 3 1/2 weeks and I was 34 weeks pregnant and R was melting down because of a library policy that resets the children’s dept computers automatically after 15 minutes and he had just lost all his work. I now understand the mom in the youtube video that shows her dragging her son on the floor around Best Buy. Sometimes life is like that.
I would never have the nerve to say something to a parent who is trying to deal with the situation or looks like she needs a break. But if a child is running around unruly & unsupervised or being a bully to mine, I will speak my mind.
The day this wild little boy shoved my daughter down a slide (thank goodness it was a tunnel slide) I snapped. I took the kid to his mom and pretty much told her off.
I don’t worry about that kind of stuff too much. I have entered the world of mommydom in my mid-thirties, so I remember well what it was like to be childless but sharing the same adult world with all the parents. I try to remind myself that often these folks really don’t understand what is involved in caring for a child and that it’s not always perfect. Some things really only become clear when you become a parent, and when looking from the outside perspective it may seem easy to resolve the issue. A bystander may think that if my infant is crying I should come back to the store at another time, not realizing that if I wait through every fussy spell I’ll never make it to the store and we’ll all starve. (It’s an hour and a half drive one way to the grocery store.) I try to cut them some slack. It doesn’t always make their looks/comments less abrasive, but I just suck it up. My daughter was on supplemental oxygen for 1 month after birth because we live at high altitude (over 7,500 feet) and the doctors wanted to make sure she had that little bit extra since we had also had a difficult birth. That’s common in our area and she wasn’t sick. We had to take her the 80 miles into town for her pediatrician’s appointment one day, and because it’s 1.5 hours drive home we stopped to get some lunch before heading back. We purposely chose a restaurant that was almost empty and asked to be seated in a back corner somewhere. The baby got a little fussy and hubby and I took turns eating while the other tried to console her. Two older women at a nearby table asked to be re-seated, then gave us some pointed looks and had a loud conversation about how you shouldn’t take a baby out “before it’s baptized” and certainly not when “it’s sick”. Clearly they had the impression that we were eating out because we just wanted to, not because we needed a meal on the way home. If we hadn’t had a pediatrician’s appointment, we would have preferred not to make that long drive at all. How could they know our real circumstances, though? I felt angry at first, but later brushed it off. I think what people are really trying to say when they offer the meaner sort of “advice” or dirty looks is that they are unhappy with the way they have been affected by noise, etc. They’re annoyed, so they want me to be annoyed. Fair enough. Everyone has a right to be annoyed. I’m sure I’ve given plenty of dirty looks to people doing things I don’t like. If I’m going to say anything I’ll tend to just say “sorry”. Doesn’t cost me anything, and I know I’ve done nothing wrong. Then I get to walk away feeling superior because I took the high road.
If it’s someone close to me, I handle it amicably knowing that they mean well. I feel free to bring them up to date when they give me outdated or just plain bad advice. They usually are surprised to hear about new research and often it spurs them to read up. Then they share what they have found, which actually IS helpful.
Grace,
I love the way you write, your stories are always so funny and written with such wit. You shine such a great perspective on what could be considered otherwise mundane experiences of motherhood. Formerly Gracie is great I always look forward to you newest posts. Keep up the good work. Oh and how I look forward to using some of your tips to respond to my single/non-mother sis in law who just LOVES to give advice.
Grace,
I am so proud of you! I really enjoyed this and can totally understand. Thank you for sharing!
My favorite was when our daughter was 4-years-old and she was taking a most coveted sip of my holiday gingerbread latte. Some lady came and told me it was going to stunt her growth. I had the confidence (thankfully) to look at her and say “She’s at the 95% for height for her age. She could use to be a little stunted.” LOL She’s still taller than all of her friends (and some of mine) at 4’11″ at the age of 10.
It depends on the situation, the tone, and my mood. I will get irritated but just move on. I, too, have gotten a little backbone if they’re just being snotty but offer no real concern saying something like,”That’s not very nice.” And put them on a guilt trip. I do offer advice sometimes but that usually comes with an offer for help because I’ve been there and want to give that extra set of arms and eyes